Paralyzed

I am paralyzed with fear. I don't know how to proceed. My body feels like jelly.

I gave up my life long dream of becoming a Medieval Literature professor at the insistence of the bane of my life, Sister Ellen. And, now I realize, it's not something I wanted to do anymore anyhow. I have no patience to read books from 800 years ago written in old English, especially since I can't read a modern novel to save my life.

I sold out and sought out a practical vocation at her insistence so that the vocational rehab program Vesid, would pay for my education. So, I picked computer programmer. But, they said they won't pay for it. However, I already made inroads into starting at DeVry and I start October 27th and I have all of these appointments I need to keep. But, I don't want to go to computer school. I chose it because it was practical, because it would eventually provide Shannah and me with a better life. But I don't want to do it. The basis of computer progamming is math and physics. I detest both math and physics . I flunked math once in H.S. and barely made it by with the skin of my teeth the other two years and would I failed physics, but I got a 65 on the Regents, the lowest passing score, which automatically passes you for the class.

Why would I enter a field where I hate the prerequisite knowledge.

Shannah doesn't want me to do it if it's not what I want.

I just want to be left alone, curled up in a ball in the corner, which is practicaly what I am doing now.